Now you step on a rake, in you go! No, I’m telling you, I don’t buy into any of that shit. You get a pool in your backyard, you immediately increase your odds of drowning in your backyard, right? You couldn’t do that before. It’s funny, though, when you talk about getting a gun, you know? People, like, they’re either totally for it or completely against it, you know? They either go nuts and start screaming, right? Or they start throwing out those stats: “You know, actually, you increase your chances of getting shot by 80% the second you get a gun in the house.” Really? What, ’cause I’m gonna load it and shower with it, like… uhh… uh… uhh… The fuck? I know it’s dangerous. I’ll put that thing in my jam-jam sleeves. “Where… where’s the scope?” “It’s in the living room.” “He’s in the living room!” No, if we’re getting this thing, I want that fucking thing loaded right on the bedroom wall, right there. Starts fucking with her head, right? So she starts reading up on guns, you know? But she’s reading too much, ’cause now she wants to get one, but she’s just like, “Well, I heard you gotta keep the bullets in a safe, keep the stock in the garage.” And then what? Then what, I run around the house and assemble it as some dude’s chasing me with an ax, you know? Are you even thinking this thing through, sweetheart? Running around. Till the other night somebody broke into our car sitting in the driveway. “Hey, I got it for us!” Right? One barrel for you, one for me. We can have a good time, right? I can’t just show up with a shotgun. If I found this stool on the side of the road, I can come home with this. I can’t just show up with a shotgun, right? That’s not some shit you can just come home with. Let’s get the shotgun.” He’s all ready to box the thing up, and then I’m like, “Wait a minute.” I live with my girl. Then what ya gonna do?” I was like, “Well, fuck it. Might as well juts be standing there with a big stapler in your hand. You miss enough times, man, you’re empty. Come on, do me a solid here.” He goes, “Look, you ever watch a movie, guy goes blaw, blaw, blaw… he kills three people. You feel me?” I’m like, “No, can you please stop speaking in these backwoods riddles? Can you just say what you’re saying? I told you I don’t know shit about guns. Get a shiny one, right?” So I was like, “What’s wrong with getting a pistol?” He goes, “I’ll tell you why, buddy. You know? I just wanna shoot the guy.” So I’m like, “You know, how ’bout one of these pistols?” So he does, like, that classic, like, that redneck trailing off thing like, “All right, you want a pistol, go ahead and get a pistol… What do I know? I just been here 20 years. I don’t want to have to do a bunch of drywall work. It’s got a good spread.” So I’m, like, laughing my ass off. These people get smart, flip it over… whap! That’s it. You ain’t got a problem here either… feel me? 90 degrees taken care of right there… one shot.
And then these people here… they saw what you just did here. Anything that was even remotely a problem ain’t there anymore. You ain’t got a problem over here anymore. In fact, you got a problem over here, you ain’t even gotta look. Further away you are, the more shit you hit. “It’s got a good spread.” I’m like, “What does that mean?” He goes, “Well, that means you ain’t gotta be that accurate. It’s easy to load, doesn’t have a lot of working parts. All right?” Dude’s just like… “You need a shotgun. So I was like, “What do I do here? Ah, hell, I’m gonna go with honesty.” I go, “Look, dude, I don’t know anything about guns. I feel like a bitch, ’cause I don’t know anything about guns.
357 Magnum? Right?” Starts rattling off all this gibberish, right? I don’t know shit. Whatcha looking for? Whatcha want? Mossberg? Over/under? A. I’m like, “Hey, man.” I go, “I wanna get a gun.” He’s like, “I hear ya. So I go down to that little gun store, right? Come walking in. What am I gonna do if some dude turns me upside down, starts shaking the gold coins outta my pockets? I gotta get a gun.
#BILL BURR NO REASON TO HIT A WOMAN HOW TO#
Get a windmill.” Right? And that’s all well and good, but if you don’t know how to fight, all you’re doing is gathering supplies for the toughest guy on the block. You’re just thinking… “What am I gonna do when the zombies come?” Right? Start reading up on shit. This city just messes with your mind, you know? It’s overpopulated, technically doesn’t have a water supply. I never had that feeling before till I moved out to Los Angeles. All right, all right, all right, all right. Ladies and gentlemen: Bill Burr! All right.
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